Sunday, August 22, 2010

All Good Things Must Come to an End

I was more than blessed to have so much time off with Brenna after she was born. She was born on March 4 and I went back to work on May 3 - but only for 6 weeks. I got to be home with her again from June 15 until August 22. That's today. That means tomorrow is time for me to go back to work officially for a whole school year. That's 9.5 months. That's a long time. To say I dread it and am totally panicky would be the understatement of the year. Every day for the past 2 weeks or so I've gotten increasingly more nervous about it. Will we lose our bond? Will she reach for Kate instead of me? Will she think I've abandoned her? Will she wonder why Liam's mommy stays with him but I leave her? Will she nap well? Will she crawl or walk or talk or the first time Will she get on a good schedule again? What about the 3 or 4 hours of school work I used to bring home every night? So many questions - and yes I realize some might be more ridiculous than others. I'm going to miss her something fierce. I love my job and I hear I have a great class this year, but none of that matters when I look in that baby's face. I'm her mama and I was made to do that job. I've done the math. It's nowhere near possible for me to stay home this year - but I will have one of my student loans paid off this year, so I have hope for a year or two down the road.

Our neighbor who is going to keep her will be great. Her little boy who is nine months, Liam, is absolutely adorable and happy and will be a great playmate for Brenna (when they figure out not to pull each other's hair/scrath each other's face). And we don't even have to drive her anywhere in the mornings. But, she's not me. She gets to spend 9 hours a day with my baby than I only get maybe 4 with. But, as Jonathan reminded me, neither of us resent our parents for sending us to babysitters, and chances are slim that Brenna will resent us (for that - of course she'll resent us for stuff later - isn't that what the teenager years are all about?) I'm gonna miss her. She's my best friend, my buddy, and my little shadow. But, we will make it through this and I hear it gets easier by the day.

I get what my friends told me about leaving their babies now. It just doesn't feel right. But, I'm thankful for a job I love and great friends who make me smile at work. I guess it'll make seeing Brenna every afternoon even more special. I anticipate some speeding tickets on my way home to get her! It's been a great 5 1/2 months!


  1. I am praying for you and will definitely be doing so lots tomorrow! I am hurting with you. xoxo

  2. We will be there for you everyday! :) We love you! (and Brenna too!)

  3. I'm thinking about you today, friend. This post made me tear up. I hate seeing you second-guess your mommying decision. You're doing what's right for your family, in this season of your family. You are an awesome mommy and you are as much a blessing to Brenna as she is to you, I promise.

    Those school kiddos are lucky to have you too. ;-)

    Hope today goes ok.


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